What?!!!...You don't Speak Spanish?!!!

I think that question is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It surfaced again last Monday at a neighbor's family reunion. Several of the people were from Brazil and during the conversation I was asked if I had ever been to South America. I should have said no, or maybe said that I'd been to Peru and let it go at that. But no, I was foolish enough to say that I'd lived in Peru for nine years, which led to the inevitable comment, "Oh, so you speak Spanish". I've got three options when that happens. I could say yes, and hope that no one begins to speak to me in Spanish;  I could say no and quickly excuse myself and walk away, hoping that no one later remembers that part of the conversation, or I could be honest and say that I never reached a conversational level of Spanish. But inevitably the last two answers will elicit the response, "What?!!!...you don't speak Spanish?!!!" And they say it with an inflection suggesting that nothing of this magnitude has ever happened since the dawn of man. Which immediately puts me on the defensive.

For most people there are only two possible explanations for how a man could live in Peru for nine years and not learn Spanish. One, I was hit by a Daewoo Tico on Balta Ave in Chiclayo and was in a coma for nine years, or two, I am el idiota del pueblo. Never having been hit by a Tico, that pretty much limits the choices. 

It's not as if I didn't try. Before moving to Peru, Maribel and I lived in northern Wisconsin for two years. We would have learning sessions where we helped each other learn our new languages. Maribel was much more successful than me. I started out with a faulty premise; that for every English word there was a Spanish word. All I had to do was match the two up. I was tearing it up...Hola = hello, como estas = how are you?, bueno = good. I figured that in a month or two I'd be speaking Spanish like a Chiclayo native. Then I hit the wall. I couldn't say what I wanted to without conjugating verbs. I'm not even going to get into that nightmare. After about two months of futility I adopted a different strategy. I quit. Forget about it. I reasoned that once in Chiclayo and completely immersed in the language I'd soak it up like a sponge. No correcto. 

After arriving in Chiclayo I used a pocket translator to practice. My first goal was to go to Bembo's, a hamburger joint in the Real Plaza mall and order a meal. I wanted to order a cheeseburger, medium fries and a diet Coke. According to the translator I had to say, "Quiero una hamburguesa con queso, papas fritas medianas, y una Coke light." No problem. I got this. I walked up to the counter and said to the man, "Senor, yo no hablo Espanol." Then I recited my order, at the end adding, "...nada mas." I held out the money. Then the guy responded with two or three sentences. I replied "Senor, no entiendo." The guy repeated his words but louder. I said, "Senor, mas volumen no ayuda." You see the problem here?  I'm telling the guy that I don't speak Spanish, yet I'm speaking Spanish. And he's understanding me but I don't understand one word from him. Not one. It turns out that the guy was asking me what I wanted on the hamburger and did I want to upgrade the fries to large.

And that's the way it went for nine years. When I used what little Spanish I had it just caused confusion so I stopped using it. And I never was able to understand Spanish spoken to me. It wasn't just that many Hispanics tend to speak fast. It went beyond that. I did have a fairly sizable Spanish vocabulary. Why did I never hear any of those words when people were speaking to me or someone else? That issue persists to this day when Maribel is speaking Spanish with someone. And why did so many people, especially men sound like they were gargling rather than talking? 

I'll return to Chiclayo someday. I would have gone with Maribel this trip if it weren't for all of the Covid restrictions which really complicates traveling and visiting. Before I go maybe I'll try to brush up on the language again. It would be nice to be able to correctly tell Delia for instance that I am happy to see her again, rather than to nonsensically say to her that  fish are purple or the cattle are dying.