The Word is Phatic

The two things Maribel and me miss most during this Covid thing is travel, both day trips and overnighters, and being with our friends. Most of our friends, those we feel most comfortable with are taking the same precautions we are, so we have not been face to face for months. I commented to Maribel that I even missed the usual "chit-chat". But I really don't. 

Just like I can't explain why I enjoy being in a forest, or watching a colorful sunset, I can't explain the pleasure I get from substantive conversation. I don't mind so-called small talk, though I'm not very good at it. Incidentally, I knew that there is a more formal word for chit-chat and small talk but could not think of it so I did a Google search. The word is phatic, as in phatic conversation. The Wikipedia definition is, "In linguistics phatic expression is communication which serves a social function, such as social pleasantries that don't seek or offer information of intrinsic value but can signal willingness to observe conventional local expectations for politeness." Just thought I'd throw that in. 

My conversation preference is communication that entails the exchange of opinions and beliefs, as well as the exploration and development of a single topic. This can't be done in a social setting because of time constraints and usually a lack of interest. In my lifetime I have met maybe a dozen people who took pleasure in prolonged, focused conversation. Five of them were my former hunting partners. It was not unusual for us to discuss and come up with new thoughts on a single subject for two or three days. I'm talking about subjects such as 'does anyone ever act beyond their own self interest?' or 'do animals act totally out of extinct?' We never tired of it, and we learned. We learned about the subject we were talking about, and learned more about each other.

During my working days I once proposed to a group of fellow employees that we form a discussion group to meet during the lunch hour. There were no takers. My son once said to me that most men don't enjoy talking. I'd expand on that by saying that in my experience most people don't enjoy substantive conversation. My own theory on that, based on nothing more than impressions is that serious conversation can entail risk...the exposing of one's beliefs, values, fears and personal thoughts. Most of us are uncomfortable doing that. I just remembered a book titled "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" I never read it.

I read an article this morning regarding Trump's probable nominee for the Supreme Court. If true, she belongs to a religious group that teaches that "men have authority over their wives." There is a ton of conversation fodder in that belief. No matter her experience and qualifications, could she objectively judge in a domestic abuse case filed by a wife? As a Catholic and a member of a sub-group, how would she define husband and wife in a gay or lesbian marriage?  In her belief what are women's rights and what is a woman's role in the household? And on and on. So many topics begging to be discussed and explored. 

I mentioned earlier a failed attempt to start a discussion group at work. I've had other failures while trying to start a conversation. If you ever want to see a real show stopper and you're in a group of older people, try this. If the topic of birthdays or age comes up, casually mention that you're all older, that most of your life is behind you, that you've passed most of lives major benchmarks and that the future doesn't hold a lot of promise. Then again in a casual tone ask, "Was it worth it...was living life worth it?" I've done that a couple of times with the same results. First silence followed by fidgeting and nervous glances, then someone breaking the tension with a comic comment before quickly going on to another subject. 

I'd like to know how my friends would answer that question. I'd like to know if our experiences, perceptions and the value placed on life's journey paralleled each other or if they're vastly different. It's not a yes or no question. I believe that for everyone the answer would be that parts of their lives were great while other parts sucked. The hard part would be, if they had the courage, explaining what parts were good or bad and why. But I won't ask it because I'm almost positive they wouldn't answer it. So if this Covid thing ever lets us get together again, I'll just go with the flow...how's the grandkids, how about this weather, etc. The word is phatic.